Now, if you know me, I'm not the most religious person on the planet. But that doesn't mean I don't believe there is a God. It's just I find it funny how so many people keep putting the guy on this impossibly high pedestal and end up blaming him for their problems at the end of the day because they expect too much from him. I mean he made us in his image right? Then give the guy a break! He's got 6 billion kids to worry about simultaneously!
On that front, I began to put God in the light of the average man (slash woman depending on whether you're a nit-picky a feminist or not, no offence to the actual hardworking, ball-busting feminists out there). I thought about how the common guy would have handled being Jesus Christ's father, especially since another family was raising him:
(door knocks)
[Mary]: Jesus, honey, please get the door?
(from the other room)
[Jesus]: I'm busy ma! Dad's showing me how to use a hacksaw!
[Mary]: Oh, okay then. You be careful alright?
[Jesus]: Yeah ma!
(Mary gets up, and answers the door)
[Mary]: Whatever it is we're not interes-
[God]: Hello Mary.
[Mary]: Oh. It's you. I didn't expect you'd be coming.
[God]: Of course I was coming. I enjoy spending time with my son.
[Mary]: You enjoy it so much you arrive 3 hours late?
[God]: That's not fair Mary, you know I can't help it if work gets a little hectic! Listen okay, there was an earthquake in Iran, and a bunch of prayers needed to be organized and filed an-
[Mary]: Listen! I, don't, care. I just don't enjoy being the one who has to explain to him why his father hardly visits.
[God]: Alright, i get it, I deserved that.
[Mary]: You're damn right you do.
[God]: I've been sending the alimony.
[Mary]: And you think manna from heaven is all a growing boy needs huh?! Well let me tell you something your holiness, we have bills to pay. Not to mention I'm buying new clothes for Jesus every month 'cause he keeps outgrowing the last set! (hmph) Not as though you'd notice. You think it's easy living on a carpenter's pay-cheque? And how about calling now and again? He keeps praying to you every morning but his calls never get put through to your office!
[God]: (defensively) I call back don't I?
[Mary]: You call back?! Honestly, do you really still think calling via a burning bush is the best way to talk to your son? Of course someone's gonna put it out.
[God]: (sighs) Okay, okay. I get it. I'll try be there more.
[Mary]: I really don't get you... You're OMNIPRESENT! You're supposed to be there more!!
[God]: Please, let's just end this, I don't want him to hear us argue.
[Mary]: Whatever... Jesus would you come here please, it's God.
(Jesus comes running out from the workshop, Joseph follows slowly)
[Jesus]: Hi God!
[God]: Hello Jesus. I've said you can call me "Daddy" remember?
[Jesus]: OK God.
[God]: (sighs)
[Joseph]: Hello God.... (nods head slowly)
[God]: Hello Joseph.... (nods back slowly)
(Eyes lock. An awkward silence follows)
[Joseph]: So you're taking him...?
[God]: Fishing, out on the river.
[Joseph]: I expect you won't be hiring a boat, (under his breath) cheap bastard.
[God]: (eye twitches) No I guess we wont need to... Jesus, say goodbye to your mother.
[Jesus]: Bye Ma!
[God]: And your step-father.
[Jesus]: Bye Daddy!
[God]: (sighs)
[Mary]: Bye-bye baby. Have a good time. (to God) Have him home by 6.
[God]: OK.
(God and Jesus exit)
Seriously, it's just jokes. No need to go to war or anything, right? Right?
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