Konnichiwa, irasshai, hello and welcome back to the spewing of mental dysentery I like to call, “Thoughts of the Partially-Insane”. I was shocked (I’ve been taking acting lessons)to get positive feedback from ‘fans’ of my previous issues (You can put your pants back on now Steve…), so after a long hiatus, we’re back again with yet another sequel. Just like that one senseless horror film that never seems to end, about some guy wearing a hockey mask and overalls who never leaves the house except on particular days of the year (…I wonder if that makes me a plagiarist?) .
In my short absence (I’ve forsaken Father Time so ‘months’ are irrelevant to me now. All that matters now is that I stay inside during the daytime and indulge in a high iron content diet) I have:
- Mistakenly stumbled into the second year of a Science degree
- Started the storyboard for a manga (Google it if you don’t know what that is, baka…) and helped start an anime appreciation Facebook group called the ‘Zimbabwe Anime Union’(God bless product-placement)
- Had my immigration application rejected twice by the Japanese embassy (I’M TELLING YOU I WAS ADOPTED!!!)
- #Hash-marks have apparently become the new parentheses#
- And amazingly (if not ironically) fallen in love. Literally. I blame Google Maps for providing incorrect directions, and the Creator for cursing me with a vital organ that can apparently influence logical thought. Officially the only person living or dead with the ability to neutralize my “1990’s Saturday Morning Cartoon Villain”-esque tendencies, I find her particular brand of evil hopelessly attractive, like the light of a bug-zapper to a mosquito….. PRAY FOR ME.
Now enough dawdling, on to the gory bits (Pass the toothpicks please).
Aaaahh, Murder. The Bard said, “How long a time lies in one word?” For me, the word ‘murder’ spans the greater part of my life. In fact, I made mention of it many times in the diaries I used to keep as a child (Tragically lost in a fire at my old kindergarten, along with the the class hamster...). That makes it a subject close to my heart, and one that went right through the hearts of those who fell afoul of its workings.
Hold on a sec, I just need to add something.
DISCLAIMER : Anything mentioned in this document is purely my own creative folly. Please interpret anything I put down with open-minded discretion…... And whatever he says, DON’T believe him. He’s a liar, he’s left-handed and he stole my Beatles CD. Remind him that there’s a difference between ‘allegedly’ and ‘convicted’.
Now the first murder as honored by Judaism, Christianity and Islam (Atheists need not apply)is the famous ‘Cain and Abel’ case. Two sons of Adam, they were both to make an offering to the ‘Big Cheese’ one day. Cain, a crop farmer, prepares a fine Greek salad, while Abel, a shepherd, prepares a glazed side of lamb on the barbeque. Sadly ‘The Head Gorgonzola’, didn’t RSVP his invitation, so Cain didn’t know about ‘King Gouda’s’ cucumber allergy. Abel’s dish was accepted, but Cain’s was rejected. Intense jealousy overtook Cain, and the rest as they say, is history (Seriously, piss off Atheists; I don’t need any of your lip). Abel was found soon after, murdered (With the Candlestick, in the Kitchen?). Being a religious man (People make ‘signs of the cross’ when I pass by) I try to take lessons from what I read in the Bible. What lesson did I learn? Don’t trust vegetarians. Don’t believe me? Famous vegetarians include:
- Leonardo Da Vinci (I’m telling you that ‘Code’ of his was just him trying to punk us),
- John Milton (Wrote one of the most recognized pieces of literature, blind… huh???),
- David Bowie (Look into my eyes…),
- Michael Jackson (Still too soon to make jokes, check back in about two years when it becomes appropriate again)
- and RZA (Cows chew everything around me, G.R.E.E.N., get the veggies, cauli-cauliflower y’all)
Still not convinced that the lawn-munchers (No you perverts, not that kind) are plotting our doom? Ask Hitler's dieticians then. They’ll tell you all about it… (Sieg-bloody-Heil)
Time’s moved on and murder has become more pronounced and more sophisticated with each passing era. We’ve gone from simple suffocation, to arsenic-laced tea scones (true story), to invading foreign countries under false pretences an- #Loud scuffling sound #
[An underground bunker, somewhere in Guantanamo…]
Interrogator: “Now Mr Cero, tell me, do you hate democracy?”
Cero: #tied to a chair; spits blood from his mouth# “Absolutely not sir… I just have a strong aversion to large masses of bulls***.”
Murder charges even have levels of severity that courts term a “degree” now.
[Courtroom]
Prosecutor: “The State seeks to press charges of murder in the First Degree against Cero-”
Cero: #stands up abruptly # “Your honor, I deny those allegations as nothing but lies and slander! I cooked her body at 180 degrees in order to avoid salmonella poisoning.”
There are countless television channels, documentaries, and poorly written television shows centered on the topic of murder.
[Cordoned-off crime scene]
Police Officer: “… and the note left on the duck’s body by was signed, ‘From Porky Pig’.”
Cero: #takes off shades# “Oh really? A signed confession?” #cleans shades# “Well then. I guess you might say…” #puts shades back on# “That’s all folks.”
YYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Some of the most well recognized characters of fiction are cold-blooded killers.
[Jail cell]
FBI Investigator: “Tell me dammit! What did you do with your neighbor?!”
Cero: #chuckles# I’ll tell you then. He kept letting his dog crap on my lawn even though I warned him I’d take action. He tried to test me.” #leans face in close# “I ate his liver with some sadza, sugar beans and a nice Mazoe….. Fth-fth-fth-fth-fth-OW! ...Bit ma tongue…”
As subtle and as crafty as a contortionist-ninja-magician, murder has crept into the forefront of human thought and happenings en masse. We’ve chosen to stick by the “Sh*t happens” policy of denying any responsibility for this progression. We assume the rapidly growing population coupled with the various different:
(a) religious groups (Bow before me),
(b) political parties (I like these “Shadow” Ministers the British have; sound like Sith Lords)
or (c) English Premier League teams (Oh Arsenal, how you wound my heart so…)
we each associate ourselves with is bound to create some friction between peoples. There are factions in the world that butt heads over various issues, but never seem to reach any kind of solution or compromise. They seem to trap themselves in infinite-loops of stale, leftover oratory we’ve all heard before. A well-known example of such a meaningless ‘argument-counterargument-countercounterargument, etc.’ cycles is the clash between “Western Imperialism” (business before pleasure) and “Misplaced Socialist Pan-African rhetoric” (genocide sprinkled with glitter). If lives are lost, one side just blames the other, and the top people who are the ones who actually bear the greatest grudges, convince the lower people via fancy speeches that they need to fight to the death against their enemies, because they wear different-coloured Noddy badges. All the while the top people sit in the safety of their homes and watch CNN (or Aljazeera) and watch the death toll rise. It’s as if we’ve taken the impact out of the act.
Considering murder is one thing.
[One Sunday, watching football, in the underground Arsenal Headquarters…]
Shadowy Figure: #Thick French accent# “Oh reelly now Le Cochon Rouge? It’s olright to celebrett , but you are getteeng a bit too ‘appy now don’t you theenk? Keep eet op and we’ll see if you live to see twentee…..”
But executing it is an entirely separate thing altogether.
There is a Judaeo-Christian belief that Man was given the Ten Commandments (by ‘The Tall And Bearded One’, © 3rd day of the 3rd month of the Diaspora, Veryhardcover Edition), and within them was the Commandment, “Thou shalt not kill”. I guess ‘The Coach’ had figured that the Old Testament days had become a tad too red-tinted, so he chose to make clear the Establishment’s policy on forced blood donations. Not a bad idea methinks, especially for the religiously zealous. That is if you ignore The Crusades… and The Spanish Inquisition(Didn’t expect them, did you now)… But I believe that some human principles persist whether you involve the influence of religion or not (1-0 for the Atheists). One of them is respecting the sanctity of human life. I mean, I believe we’re all born with a rough knowledge of the difference between good and evil right? (Oh! And the Theologians make the equalizer! 1-1!)So why the itchy trigger-fingers? I mean, there are some countries that have it stated in their constitutions that each citizen has the right to own weaponry… we’re literally making pre-emptive measures in expectation of some loony gunning for our lives!
[Long ago, at the top of Mount Sinai…]
’The G-Man’: “SO MOSES, I’VE JUST SAVED THE COMMANDMENTS ON YOUR IPAD, NOW WHADDYU THINK?”
Moses: “Um, I’m gonna tell you straight. I’m reading my tablet, and I really love the material. But can I suggest some additions to spice it up a little?”
’The G-Man’: “SHOOT, I’M ALL EARS… AND EYES, LOL. GET THE OMNIPOTENCY JOKE?”
Moses: “Yeah, you’re crackin’ my sides. As I was saying, how about for Number Eleven we have, ‘Thou shalt have the right to bear arms’?”
’The G-Man’: “SORRY MO BUT I CAN’T SEE WHERE YOU’RE GOIN WITH THI-”
Moses: “And also ‘Thou shalt cease from touching thee, thou accursed, filth-ridden ape!’.”
’The G-Man’: “WAIT, WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN?”
Moses: “Oops. Sorry. Wrong movie.”
I THINK A COUPLE OF U- (Oops. Sorry. Still in Aize- I mean God-Mode) I think a couple of us have heard that popular idiom about how humans possess the destructive capability to blow up the planet Earth over and over again ten times (Inspiration…). I think we achieved this due to this bad habit some nations have of ‘one-upping’ one another.
[U.N. Headquarters, New York. Meeting of various international Defense representatives]
Japan: “Our technological innovations this year have produced an ‘evolution’ in the weaponry and equipment our defense forces use.”
China: “As expected, our military force has expanded vastly in number this year.”
Russia: “We added a dozen nuclear warheads to our current arsenal.”
Onlookers: “Oooooh!”
USA: #snort# “Oh yeah. I bet we can trump anything you throw at us. Over the past few years we’ve developed the ultimate jamming technology, able to disrupt transmission signals, block remote weapon-control, and disable soldier-to-soldier communication. This thing can interrupt anything.”
Russia: “Hmph. So what is this ‘ultimate jammer’ you speak of?”
Japan: “Yes, my country will be eager to see a demonstration of such technology.”
China: “For the sake of maintaining diplomatic ties, a demonstration would be appropriate.”
USA: “A demonstration huh? That’s fine with me. I actually brought it with me to show you all its capabilities. I present to you ladies and gentlemen…”
#Security guard wheels in a large wooden crate#
Russia: “What! You bring your weapons into a United Nations meeting! This is entirely inappropriate! I demand you stop this imm-“
Voice from inside the crate: “Yo Russia, I’mma let you finish but, the USA is the greatest country o’ all time.”
USA: “Kanye West.”
Outside of actual self-defense (and not the ‘I’m ready to kill you at the drop of a hat’ self-defense), I’m starting to think that willful killing takes a truly broken mind. A real psychopath. An incredibly sick individual who is in dire need of psychological treatment. (Oi. Stop looking at me. I’m not crazy. I’m just eccentric… Hey Steve! I see you dialing 911 over there. Put the damn phone down!)
But I confess. Once upon a time, long ago, when a bright, young and naïve Cero had just started out on his journey to become the greatest villain the world had ever seen, he did believe that to achieve his lofty dream, he would have to amass a body count unparalleled by any other man’s achievements (* HIGH SCORE: 11,000,000 pts -- HTL *). But I grew up, and under the tutelage of some of the greatest villains of our time, my eyes were opened to the meaning behind TRUE Villainy…..
[A still-smoking, heavily-damaged battlefield, somewhere on the planet Earth…]
[Optimus Prime]: “And remember Megatron. As long as we Autobots are here to defend Earth, you will never win.”
[Megatron]: “You may have won the battle Optimus! But Megatron will win the war!!!”
[Optimus Prime]: “We’ll see about that... Autobots, roll out!”
#Autobots head off to their base#
[Megatron]: #sigh…# “Well that’s over and done with. Soundwave! Do roll-call!
[Soundwave]: “As you command Megatron… Ravage?”
[Ravage]: “Decepticons forever!!”
[Soundwave]: “Starscream?”
[Starscream]: “We wouldn’t keep LOOOOSING if I was the leader! I would bring us ABSOLUTE victory!”
[Soundwave]: “Shockwave?”
[Shockwave]: “Your argument is illogical Starscream. Nothing is absolute. And your personal failure rate says otherwise.”
[Megatron]: “Hold on Soundwave. Where’s that new intern?”
[Soundwave]: “You mean Cero-tron?”
[Megatron]: “Yeah, that guy.”
[Cero-tron]: “I’m over here.” #dusting himself off#
[Megatron]: “Eeeeexclent, yeeeeesssss. I didn’t expect you to do so well in your first battle here. You even managed to puncture Optimus’s tires with drawing pins. I see why everyone at Cobra spoke so highly of you.
[Cero-tron]: “They’re a great bunch of guys over there. They just tried to help me advance in my career.”
[Megatron]: “Well you’re not gonna have trouble job-hunting in the villainy business with a recommendation letter from the Commander. Any plans for the future?”
[Cero-tron]: “Well you know I worked at Cobra to pick up my BBv, Bachelor of Basic villainy degree, and I’m working with you to get a little bit of field experience under my belt. I was thinking of going back to school and doing my Masters.”
[Megatron]: “What field?”
[Cero-tron]: “Evil Laughter Engineering.”
[Megatron]: “Skeletor’s field eh? Mmmm… Impressive.”
[Cero-tron]: “Thank you sir.”
[Megatron]: “Well we’re heading back to base now an-”
[Cero-tron]: “Um, sir? I have a question.”
[Megatron]: “What is it son?”
[Cero-tron]: “I know this may sound like a real novice question, I am still ‘wet-behind-the-ears’. I just wanted to know, why haven’t you killed Optimus Prime and the rest of the Autobots yet?”
[Megatron]: “I don’t see what you mean son.”
[Cero-tron]: “Well, I studied your career back at Cobra HQ, and I learned that you are a veteran war hero with extensive battle experience, even more so than Optimus Prime in fact who was catapulted from being just a mere civilian to his current position as Autobot leader.
[Megatron]: “Oh. I see where you’re going with this. You’re asking how it could possibly make sense that a veteran war-machine, who literally takes the form of a giant gun, would lose to a civilian who changes into a sixteen wheeler. It sounds almost as crazy as a highly-skilled swordsman with decades of experience getting defeated by a kid who had three days of training.”
[Cero-tron]: “Yeah, that does sound crazy.”
[Megatron]: “Well let me enlighten you son. Optimus contains what we Cybertronians call ‘The Matrix of Leadership’. It’s a force we believe represents the ultimate power of ‘the light’ that fights ‘the darkness’. It is part of the original ‘spark’ from whence all Cybertronians came, including me, so immediately that puts me at a disadvantage. ‘Cause even if you try fight against a blind, deaf and retarded paraplegic, if his nose is pressed against the ‘launch’ button for a nuclear warhead, you’re bound to lose.”
[Cero-tron]: “Alright then. So why do you do it? Why keep fighting?”
[Megatron]: “For the LOLs.”
[Cero-tron]: “…………………….Excuse me?”
[Megatron]: “You heard me son. For the LOLs. For kicks. For sh*ts and giggles.”
[Cero-tron]: “Wait, why exactly?!”
[Megatron]: “Consider this son. Remember the first time you fried a bug underneath a magnifying lens? It was so disappointing when it died right? You felt like you wanted to watch it squirm forever right?”
[Cero-tron]: “I guess so.”
[Megatron]: “Well that’s exactly what I’m doing, except I’m suspending that feeling indefinitely. Killing just takes the fun out of torturing your enemies. Not that I mind killing in particular, but it leaves a bad taste in your mouth afterwards. Folks forget this but, when I started my war with the Autobots, one of my biggest reasons was because I felt that Cybertronians didn’t need to be friendly with lesser species like humans. No offence.”
[Cero-tron]: “None taken. I hate them too. It’s why I’m in this business.”
[Megatron]: “So to prove my point, I frequently put humans in danger, forcing the Autobots to come to their rescue every time. Repeat this process enough times and a rescuer can begin to resent the rescuee. Experienced villains refer to it as the ‘Bowser’ or ‘Your-Princess-Is-In-Another-Castle’ Theorem. One day when the repetition gets the better of the Autobots, some of them may start to think that I was right all along. And then there’s wonder-boy Optimus. Remember he’s a civilian. Imagine going to sleep in your bed one night and waking up in the middle of an asteroid belt? A bit staggering right? War isn’t for the untrained, son. Leadership qualities is one thing, but putting the lives of yourself and your troops on the line every day nonstop, all the while suffering deep physical and emotional injuries, that’s gonna mess with anyone’s head. I can assure you that he’s secretly suffering from a bad case of shell-shock.”
[Cero-tron]: “But you put your troop’s lives on the line everyday as well. Doesn’t that bother you?”
[Megatron]: “Bother me? How foolish. As if I’d care for such brainless vending-machines. I am Megatron. They either fight for me, or join the scrapheap.”
[Cero-tron]: “You have a point there.”
[Megatron]: “You see, winning the war would be nice, but even if I lose or Optimus destroys me, whichever comes first, I’ll have stood by my principles throughout, I would have made believers out of my enemies, and would have left my mortal enemy a war-ravaged, mentally-unstable, bitter, empty shell of a robot wondering why he had to spend the best years of his life fighting a war that he never asked to be in. I’ll get to die happy, while he’ll die miserable with the guilt of helping nearly destroy the Earth. My ultimate victory.”
[Cero-tron]: “Wow sir. That’s….. deep.”
[Megatron]: “Remember Cero-tron. A true villain only kills as a last resort, or to prove a valid point. We’re in it for the long haul my boy, for we are life’s TROLLS.”
[Cero-tron]: #salutes# “Yes sir! I’ll never forget your words, sir!”
[Megatron]: “Good. Now let’s go home... Decepticons, terrorize!”
So what can have we learnt from all this?
STOP THE KILLING…
START THE TORTURE…
And
ALL HAIL MEGATRON!!!!!!!!
In my short absence (I’ve forsaken Father Time so ‘months’ are irrelevant to me now. All that matters now is that I stay inside during the daytime and indulge in a high iron content diet) I have:
- Mistakenly stumbled into the second year of a Science degree
- Started the storyboard for a manga (Google it if you don’t know what that is, baka…) and helped start an anime appreciation Facebook group called the ‘Zimbabwe Anime Union’(God bless product-placement)
- Had my immigration application rejected twice by the Japanese embassy (I’M TELLING YOU I WAS ADOPTED!!!)
- #Hash-marks have apparently become the new parentheses#
- And amazingly (if not ironically) fallen in love. Literally. I blame Google Maps for providing incorrect directions, and the Creator for cursing me with a vital organ that can apparently influence logical thought. Officially the only person living or dead with the ability to neutralize my “1990’s Saturday Morning Cartoon Villain”-esque tendencies, I find her particular brand of evil hopelessly attractive, like the light of a bug-zapper to a mosquito….. PRAY FOR ME.
Now enough dawdling, on to the gory bits (Pass the toothpicks please).
Aaaahh, Murder. The Bard said, “How long a time lies in one word?” For me, the word ‘murder’ spans the greater part of my life. In fact, I made mention of it many times in the diaries I used to keep as a child (Tragically lost in a fire at my old kindergarten, along with the the class hamster...). That makes it a subject close to my heart, and one that went right through the hearts of those who fell afoul of its workings.
Hold on a sec, I just need to add something.
DISCLAIMER : Anything mentioned in this document is purely my own creative folly. Please interpret anything I put down with open-minded discretion…... And whatever he says, DON’T believe him. He’s a liar, he’s left-handed and he stole my Beatles CD. Remind him that there’s a difference between ‘allegedly’ and ‘convicted’.
Now the first murder as honored by Judaism, Christianity and Islam (Atheists need not apply)is the famous ‘Cain and Abel’ case. Two sons of Adam, they were both to make an offering to the ‘Big Cheese’ one day. Cain, a crop farmer, prepares a fine Greek salad, while Abel, a shepherd, prepares a glazed side of lamb on the barbeque. Sadly ‘The Head Gorgonzola’, didn’t RSVP his invitation, so Cain didn’t know about ‘King Gouda’s’ cucumber allergy. Abel’s dish was accepted, but Cain’s was rejected. Intense jealousy overtook Cain, and the rest as they say, is history (Seriously, piss off Atheists; I don’t need any of your lip). Abel was found soon after, murdered (With the Candlestick, in the Kitchen?). Being a religious man (People make ‘signs of the cross’ when I pass by) I try to take lessons from what I read in the Bible. What lesson did I learn? Don’t trust vegetarians. Don’t believe me? Famous vegetarians include:
- Leonardo Da Vinci (I’m telling you that ‘Code’ of his was just him trying to punk us),
- John Milton (Wrote one of the most recognized pieces of literature, blind… huh???),
- David Bowie (Look into my eyes…),
- Michael Jackson (Still too soon to make jokes, check back in about two years when it becomes appropriate again)
- and RZA (Cows chew everything around me, G.R.E.E.N., get the veggies, cauli-cauliflower y’all)
Still not convinced that the lawn-munchers (No you perverts, not that kind) are plotting our doom? Ask Hitler's dieticians then. They’ll tell you all about it… (Sieg-bloody-Heil)
Time’s moved on and murder has become more pronounced and more sophisticated with each passing era. We’ve gone from simple suffocation, to arsenic-laced tea scones (true story), to invading foreign countries under false pretences an- #Loud scuffling sound #
[An underground bunker, somewhere in Guantanamo…]
Interrogator: “Now Mr Cero, tell me, do you hate democracy?”
Cero: #tied to a chair; spits blood from his mouth# “Absolutely not sir… I just have a strong aversion to large masses of bulls***.”
Murder charges even have levels of severity that courts term a “degree” now.
[Courtroom]
Prosecutor: “The State seeks to press charges of murder in the First Degree against Cero-”
Cero: #stands up abruptly # “Your honor, I deny those allegations as nothing but lies and slander! I cooked her body at 180 degrees in order to avoid salmonella poisoning.”
There are countless television channels, documentaries, and poorly written television shows centered on the topic of murder.
[Cordoned-off crime scene]
Police Officer: “… and the note left on the duck’s body by was signed, ‘From Porky Pig’.”
Cero: #takes off shades# “Oh really? A signed confession?” #cleans shades# “Well then. I guess you might say…” #puts shades back on# “That’s all folks.”
YYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Some of the most well recognized characters of fiction are cold-blooded killers.
[Jail cell]
FBI Investigator: “Tell me dammit! What did you do with your neighbor?!”
Cero: #chuckles# I’ll tell you then. He kept letting his dog crap on my lawn even though I warned him I’d take action. He tried to test me.” #leans face in close# “I ate his liver with some sadza, sugar beans and a nice Mazoe….. Fth-fth-fth-fth-fth-OW! ...Bit ma tongue…”
As subtle and as crafty as a contortionist-ninja-magician, murder has crept into the forefront of human thought and happenings en masse. We’ve chosen to stick by the “Sh*t happens” policy of denying any responsibility for this progression. We assume the rapidly growing population coupled with the various different:
(a) religious groups (Bow before me),
(b) political parties (I like these “Shadow” Ministers the British have; sound like Sith Lords)
or (c) English Premier League teams (Oh Arsenal, how you wound my heart so…)
we each associate ourselves with is bound to create some friction between peoples. There are factions in the world that butt heads over various issues, but never seem to reach any kind of solution or compromise. They seem to trap themselves in infinite-loops of stale, leftover oratory we’ve all heard before. A well-known example of such a meaningless ‘argument-counterargument-countercounterargument, etc.’ cycles is the clash between “Western Imperialism” (business before pleasure) and “Misplaced Socialist Pan-African rhetoric” (genocide sprinkled with glitter). If lives are lost, one side just blames the other, and the top people who are the ones who actually bear the greatest grudges, convince the lower people via fancy speeches that they need to fight to the death against their enemies, because they wear different-coloured Noddy badges. All the while the top people sit in the safety of their homes and watch CNN (or Aljazeera) and watch the death toll rise. It’s as if we’ve taken the impact out of the act.
Considering murder is one thing.
[One Sunday, watching football, in the underground Arsenal Headquarters…]
Shadowy Figure: #Thick French accent# “Oh reelly now Le Cochon Rouge? It’s olright to celebrett , but you are getteeng a bit too ‘appy now don’t you theenk? Keep eet op and we’ll see if you live to see twentee…..”
But executing it is an entirely separate thing altogether.
There is a Judaeo-Christian belief that Man was given the Ten Commandments (by ‘The Tall And Bearded One’, © 3rd day of the 3rd month of the Diaspora, Veryhardcover Edition), and within them was the Commandment, “Thou shalt not kill”. I guess ‘The Coach’ had figured that the Old Testament days had become a tad too red-tinted, so he chose to make clear the Establishment’s policy on forced blood donations. Not a bad idea methinks, especially for the religiously zealous. That is if you ignore The Crusades… and The Spanish Inquisition(Didn’t expect them, did you now)… But I believe that some human principles persist whether you involve the influence of religion or not (1-0 for the Atheists). One of them is respecting the sanctity of human life. I mean, I believe we’re all born with a rough knowledge of the difference between good and evil right? (Oh! And the Theologians make the equalizer! 1-1!)So why the itchy trigger-fingers? I mean, there are some countries that have it stated in their constitutions that each citizen has the right to own weaponry… we’re literally making pre-emptive measures in expectation of some loony gunning for our lives!
[Long ago, at the top of Mount Sinai…]
’The G-Man’: “SO MOSES, I’VE JUST SAVED THE COMMANDMENTS ON YOUR IPAD, NOW WHADDYU THINK?”
Moses: “Um, I’m gonna tell you straight. I’m reading my tablet, and I really love the material. But can I suggest some additions to spice it up a little?”
’The G-Man’: “SHOOT, I’M ALL EARS… AND EYES, LOL. GET THE OMNIPOTENCY JOKE?”
Moses: “Yeah, you’re crackin’ my sides. As I was saying, how about for Number Eleven we have, ‘Thou shalt have the right to bear arms’?”
’The G-Man’: “SORRY MO BUT I CAN’T SEE WHERE YOU’RE GOIN WITH THI-”
Moses: “And also ‘Thou shalt cease from touching thee, thou accursed, filth-ridden ape!’.”
’The G-Man’: “WAIT, WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN?”
Moses: “Oops. Sorry. Wrong movie.”
I THINK A COUPLE OF U- (Oops. Sorry. Still in Aize- I mean God-Mode) I think a couple of us have heard that popular idiom about how humans possess the destructive capability to blow up the planet Earth over and over again ten times (Inspiration…). I think we achieved this due to this bad habit some nations have of ‘one-upping’ one another.
[U.N. Headquarters, New York. Meeting of various international Defense representatives]
Japan: “Our technological innovations this year have produced an ‘evolution’ in the weaponry and equipment our defense forces use.”
China: “As expected, our military force has expanded vastly in number this year.”
Russia: “We added a dozen nuclear warheads to our current arsenal.”
Onlookers: “Oooooh!”
USA: #snort# “Oh yeah. I bet we can trump anything you throw at us. Over the past few years we’ve developed the ultimate jamming technology, able to disrupt transmission signals, block remote weapon-control, and disable soldier-to-soldier communication. This thing can interrupt anything.”
Russia: “Hmph. So what is this ‘ultimate jammer’ you speak of?”
Japan: “Yes, my country will be eager to see a demonstration of such technology.”
China: “For the sake of maintaining diplomatic ties, a demonstration would be appropriate.”
USA: “A demonstration huh? That’s fine with me. I actually brought it with me to show you all its capabilities. I present to you ladies and gentlemen…”
#Security guard wheels in a large wooden crate#
Russia: “What! You bring your weapons into a United Nations meeting! This is entirely inappropriate! I demand you stop this imm-“
Voice from inside the crate: “Yo Russia, I’mma let you finish but, the USA is the greatest country o’ all time.”
USA: “Kanye West.”
Outside of actual self-defense (and not the ‘I’m ready to kill you at the drop of a hat’ self-defense), I’m starting to think that willful killing takes a truly broken mind. A real psychopath. An incredibly sick individual who is in dire need of psychological treatment. (Oi. Stop looking at me. I’m not crazy. I’m just eccentric… Hey Steve! I see you dialing 911 over there. Put the damn phone down!)
But I confess. Once upon a time, long ago, when a bright, young and naïve Cero had just started out on his journey to become the greatest villain the world had ever seen, he did believe that to achieve his lofty dream, he would have to amass a body count unparalleled by any other man’s achievements (* HIGH SCORE: 11,000,000 pts -- HTL *). But I grew up, and under the tutelage of some of the greatest villains of our time, my eyes were opened to the meaning behind TRUE Villainy…..
[A still-smoking, heavily-damaged battlefield, somewhere on the planet Earth…]
[Optimus Prime]: “And remember Megatron. As long as we Autobots are here to defend Earth, you will never win.”
[Megatron]: “You may have won the battle Optimus! But Megatron will win the war!!!”
[Optimus Prime]: “We’ll see about that... Autobots, roll out!”
#Autobots head off to their base#
[Megatron]: #sigh…# “Well that’s over and done with. Soundwave! Do roll-call!
[Soundwave]: “As you command Megatron… Ravage?”
[Ravage]: “Decepticons forever!!”
[Soundwave]: “Starscream?”
[Starscream]: “We wouldn’t keep LOOOOSING if I was the leader! I would bring us ABSOLUTE victory!”
[Soundwave]: “Shockwave?”
[Shockwave]: “Your argument is illogical Starscream. Nothing is absolute. And your personal failure rate says otherwise.”
[Megatron]: “Hold on Soundwave. Where’s that new intern?”
[Soundwave]: “You mean Cero-tron?”
[Megatron]: “Yeah, that guy.”
[Cero-tron]: “I’m over here.” #dusting himself off#
[Megatron]: “Eeeeexclent, yeeeeesssss. I didn’t expect you to do so well in your first battle here. You even managed to puncture Optimus’s tires with drawing pins. I see why everyone at Cobra spoke so highly of you.
[Cero-tron]: “They’re a great bunch of guys over there. They just tried to help me advance in my career.”
[Megatron]: “Well you’re not gonna have trouble job-hunting in the villainy business with a recommendation letter from the Commander. Any plans for the future?”
[Cero-tron]: “Well you know I worked at Cobra to pick up my BBv, Bachelor of Basic villainy degree, and I’m working with you to get a little bit of field experience under my belt. I was thinking of going back to school and doing my Masters.”
[Megatron]: “What field?”
[Cero-tron]: “Evil Laughter Engineering.”
[Megatron]: “Skeletor’s field eh? Mmmm… Impressive.”
[Cero-tron]: “Thank you sir.”
[Megatron]: “Well we’re heading back to base now an-”
[Cero-tron]: “Um, sir? I have a question.”
[Megatron]: “What is it son?”
[Cero-tron]: “I know this may sound like a real novice question, I am still ‘wet-behind-the-ears’. I just wanted to know, why haven’t you killed Optimus Prime and the rest of the Autobots yet?”
[Megatron]: “I don’t see what you mean son.”
[Cero-tron]: “Well, I studied your career back at Cobra HQ, and I learned that you are a veteran war hero with extensive battle experience, even more so than Optimus Prime in fact who was catapulted from being just a mere civilian to his current position as Autobot leader.
[Megatron]: “Oh. I see where you’re going with this. You’re asking how it could possibly make sense that a veteran war-machine, who literally takes the form of a giant gun, would lose to a civilian who changes into a sixteen wheeler. It sounds almost as crazy as a highly-skilled swordsman with decades of experience getting defeated by a kid who had three days of training.”
[Cero-tron]: “Yeah, that does sound crazy.”
[Megatron]: “Well let me enlighten you son. Optimus contains what we Cybertronians call ‘The Matrix of Leadership’. It’s a force we believe represents the ultimate power of ‘the light’ that fights ‘the darkness’. It is part of the original ‘spark’ from whence all Cybertronians came, including me, so immediately that puts me at a disadvantage. ‘Cause even if you try fight against a blind, deaf and retarded paraplegic, if his nose is pressed against the ‘launch’ button for a nuclear warhead, you’re bound to lose.”
[Cero-tron]: “Alright then. So why do you do it? Why keep fighting?”
[Megatron]: “For the LOLs.”
[Cero-tron]: “…………………….Excuse me?”
[Megatron]: “You heard me son. For the LOLs. For kicks. For sh*ts and giggles.”
[Cero-tron]: “Wait, why exactly?!”
[Megatron]: “Consider this son. Remember the first time you fried a bug underneath a magnifying lens? It was so disappointing when it died right? You felt like you wanted to watch it squirm forever right?”
[Cero-tron]: “I guess so.”
[Megatron]: “Well that’s exactly what I’m doing, except I’m suspending that feeling indefinitely. Killing just takes the fun out of torturing your enemies. Not that I mind killing in particular, but it leaves a bad taste in your mouth afterwards. Folks forget this but, when I started my war with the Autobots, one of my biggest reasons was because I felt that Cybertronians didn’t need to be friendly with lesser species like humans. No offence.”
[Cero-tron]: “None taken. I hate them too. It’s why I’m in this business.”
[Megatron]: “So to prove my point, I frequently put humans in danger, forcing the Autobots to come to their rescue every time. Repeat this process enough times and a rescuer can begin to resent the rescuee. Experienced villains refer to it as the ‘Bowser’ or ‘Your-Princess-Is-In-Another-Castle’ Theorem. One day when the repetition gets the better of the Autobots, some of them may start to think that I was right all along. And then there’s wonder-boy Optimus. Remember he’s a civilian. Imagine going to sleep in your bed one night and waking up in the middle of an asteroid belt? A bit staggering right? War isn’t for the untrained, son. Leadership qualities is one thing, but putting the lives of yourself and your troops on the line every day nonstop, all the while suffering deep physical and emotional injuries, that’s gonna mess with anyone’s head. I can assure you that he’s secretly suffering from a bad case of shell-shock.”
[Cero-tron]: “But you put your troop’s lives on the line everyday as well. Doesn’t that bother you?”
[Megatron]: “Bother me? How foolish. As if I’d care for such brainless vending-machines. I am Megatron. They either fight for me, or join the scrapheap.”
[Cero-tron]: “You have a point there.”
[Megatron]: “You see, winning the war would be nice, but even if I lose or Optimus destroys me, whichever comes first, I’ll have stood by my principles throughout, I would have made believers out of my enemies, and would have left my mortal enemy a war-ravaged, mentally-unstable, bitter, empty shell of a robot wondering why he had to spend the best years of his life fighting a war that he never asked to be in. I’ll get to die happy, while he’ll die miserable with the guilt of helping nearly destroy the Earth. My ultimate victory.”
[Cero-tron]: “Wow sir. That’s….. deep.”
[Megatron]: “Remember Cero-tron. A true villain only kills as a last resort, or to prove a valid point. We’re in it for the long haul my boy, for we are life’s TROLLS.”
[Cero-tron]: #salutes# “Yes sir! I’ll never forget your words, sir!”
[Megatron]: “Good. Now let’s go home... Decepticons, terrorize!”
So what can have we learnt from all this?
STOP THE KILLING…
START THE TORTURE…
And
ALL HAIL MEGATRON!!!!!!!!
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