The Thoughts of the Partially-Insane #3: Rumor has it (ruuuumor)

Firstly, allow me to introduce myself:

I am an egotistical, narcissistic, neurotic, acrimonious, downright despicable, sorry excuse for a human being. People who know me would say differently, and they’re dears for saying so, but I’ve spent enough time reflecting on the sketchy paper-mâché model that is my life to understand a little bit about who (or what) I am. In so doing, I’ve developed an acute sense of self-loathing. Given the chance, I’d spit on my own grave.

To make things worse, it’s recently come to my attention that I suffer from an addiction that’s been embedded in my nature for longer than I cared to notice. And like all addicts, when the time came for my “intervention”, I tried my best to deny that I had a problem. There was lots of swearing and bribing and crying and swearing and fighting and hugging and then more swearing… But now I’ve accepted that I do indeed have a problem (insert your own joke here), so I have something else to say.

“Hello. My name is Cero T. Makwembere and I…….. am a gossip.”

“Big Mouth”, “Nosy Parker”, “Tattletale”, “Rumourmonger”, “Cero News Network (CNN for the slightly illiterate)”…. I’ve heard ‘em all. I’ve become notorious for spilling the beans, dropping the potatoes, ditching the onions, dumping the tomatoes, adding some turmeric for colour, garnishing with parsley, then dishing the soup to whoever’s listening.

I don’t do it intentionally. I just tend to get carried away (normally wearing a straitjacket, a gag and a blindfold). But I’ll be the first to admit my faults (and anyone else’s for that matter) and apologise to anyone out there, past, present or future who’s suffered because of my wayward tongue. I never intended to grow up (Ain’t that the truth…) to be a character assassin.

I have a sick habit of ‘turning’ someone’s words in on themselves, even my own. It’s like I lack the simple ability to quote someone word for word, I’m always rephrasing. Never expect a straightforward answer from me. I don’t ”lie” if that’s what you’re thinking… I merely select the truths I find relevant at the time. I often switch words around or loop my statements or arguments, rephrasing each time, to make them appear to have more “body”. I’ll kneel before the person who can ever catch me out for that. I would have met my equal (or God forbid, my better... In the negative sense... you still with me?).

Now, enough with the self-defamation. On with the funnies… This is a story of how I once intentionally used my gift of the gab to get vengeance, without ever having to tell a single lie. A lot of you may not get what I’ve written, but I don’t really expect you to. Only the most sinister human beings will understand what I did. Read on…

[[A note from the author- I have used false names in this piece to protect the identities of certain parties. And I’m hoping those parties don’t read this because if they do, they’ll know it was me who’d been sayin’ this stuff and I’ll end up going on that trip to the dentist I’ve been putting off…]]

(The setting, a fast-food restaurant. Enter Cero with “Frank” who sit down next to “Cheryl”. The three get chatting. Frank leaves the table to order everyone’s food while Cero stays to talk with Cheryl.)

[Cheryl]: **giggling** Ah… (sigh) That Frank’s a really funny guy.

[Cero]: Eh, **shrugs** I guess so.

[Cheryl]: Oh come on. That joke about the two nuns was hilarious.

[Cero]: If you say so…

[Cheryl]: Stop hatin’.

[Cero]: I’m not hating. I just don’t think he’s that great.

[Cheryl]: You two hang out all the time. Aren’t you like close homies or something?

[Cero]: Yeah, well, you know… We hang sometimes… I’m not saying he and I aren’t friends. I’m just not that thrown by the guy as you are.

[Cheryl]: **patronizingly** Cero…. Don’t tell me you’re still jealous ‘cause I told you I like him. We’ve already talked bout this and w-

[Cero]: And we both agreed that we’re okay just being friends. Yeah yeah, I remember. This isn’t about that.

[Cheryl]: Then what’s it about then? You’re not telling me something… Spill.

[Cero]: Uh, I don’t know if I should. I’d hate to ruin the guy’s chances…

[Cheryl]: I’ll get over it. It couldn’t be as bad as you’re making it sound. Anyway I won’t tell. Just between the two of us.

[Cero]: (sighs)… Okay. But you have to promise you won’t tell anyone alright?

[Cheryl]: Cross my heart.

[Cero]: Alright. Do you ever get the feeling he picks his words too well?

[Cheryl]: Okay… you just lost me. Are you telling me everything he says is scripted?

[Cero]: I wouldn’t go that far…

[Cheryl]: I just figured he was a very thoughtful person.

[Cero]: Well he seems to think that picking the right words to use earns him big points.

[Cheryl]: What? With me?

[Cero]: With anyone.

[Cheryl]: Okaaay… I’ll admit that’s a little bit vain, but that’s not so bad.

[Cero]: He’s also a bit… over-competitive.

[Cheryl]: Over-competitive?

[Cero]: Its never enough for him to win. He has to see other people lose. He’ll keep going forward but if he sees anyone else who’s making progress have to go back a few steps, he’s over the moon about it.

[Cheryl]: Really?? That’s so vindictive.

[Cero]: I know, right? I thought I could get over that. But then…

[Cheryl]: But then what?

[Cero]: There was this one time I was moving with my car and I had no choice but to make a stop. It just so happened I’d stopped right in front of his house. So I thought he’d be okay letting me stay over. He lets me stay over, but then the guy forces me to pay rent!

[Cheryl]: Please tell me you’re joking.

[Cero]: Cheryl, I’m serious. The guy’s really tightfisted when it comes to money. If he lends you money, he always expects something in return, even when if you have almost nothing to give. He can be a dog sometimes.

[Cheryl]: Okay. I’ve heard enough. Cero, I want you to swear to me that everything you just told me is true. I know what you’re like when you’re jealous. Your mind is always in Revenge Mode.

[Cero]: (gasp) Cheryl, that hurts. That really, really hurts. You think I’d lie to you of all people?

[Cheryl]: So why the hell didn’t you tell me about Frank earlier?!

[Cero]: Hey! Cool down, alright? All this happened fairly recently and I wasn’t sure how to tell you.

[Cheryl]: (sigh) Cero, friends are supposed to look out for each other. I can’t believe you almost let me go out with that creep. I don’t know why you even hang around with him.

[Cero]: You know I care about you Cheryl. If I knew then, what I know now, I’d have told you.

[Cheryl]: (sigh) This bites. I’m starting to get the feeling that there are no more decent guys left in the world…

[Cero]: Hey, cheer up. Don’t lose hope. Remember, you’ve always got me. (gives Cheryl friendly hug)

[Cheryl]: Thanks…

[Cero]: (grins) You’re welcome.

(Later that day, Frank and Cero are on the way to Frank’s house…)

[Frank]: So what were you and Cheryl talking about while I was in the queue?

[Cero]: Oh, you know… stuff.

[Frank]: Did she mention me at all?

[Cero]: Yup.

[Frank]: What did she say about me?

[Cero]: Sorry man, can’t tell you. And will you stop pestering me about Cheryl please? What did I tell you last week?

[Frank]: You said that she told you she liked me.

[Cero]: And so…? What’s your problem?!

[Frank]: I dunno... It’s just that when I got back from the queue I got the feeling that she was kind of ‘distancing’ herself from me, know what I mean?

[Cero]: Nope. Not really... Just forget about it man, I’m sure it’s nothing. In any case… (sly grin) we have business to attend to...

[Frank]: Oh yes. How could I forget. Now, just so that we’re in agreement, remind me who’s in the lead again?

[Cero]: Oh, so that’s the way we’re playing now is it? Alright then. The results for the Ultimate Board Game Championships are as follows. You’ve beaten me at Scrabble, killed me at Snakes and Ladders and destroyed me at Monopoly. That means you’re leading 3-0.

[Frank]: Ready to give up yet?

[Cero]: (sinister laugh) …Never.

I am Cero. I am Legion. I do not forgive. I do not forget. Expect me.